I had this weird dream the other night.

I was living back with my parents, and dad decided that it would be a good idea to block up my bedroom door. I can't remember why, but it was a big project and he did it, only he didn't think far enough ahead to realise that without my door, I could only get into my room through the window. We solved this by building a tunnel that led to my room from the linen cupboard. It was like a corridor, and it was painted in bright colours, like something out of the Wiggles.

Anyway, next thing I was outside in a field with somebody else - my friend V.? - lying in the grass. It was nice, but then there were cattle coming at me. One of them reared up, a huge animal on its hind legs. I tried to roll over to get out of the way but I was too late, and it brought its hoofs crashing down onto my chest. It happened again and again, but somehow I kept surviving. Then the cattle were gone and when I looked, there were just these little black pigs. They had been the ones attacking me, but now they looked so small.

I immediately forgave them for nearly killing me ... I mean, they couldn't have done it on purpose, they were just animals.

But this was what stuck with me. Little black pig. What does a little black pig mean in a dream? It just seemed to stand out.

I asked Daniel, and he responded by asking: "Well, what does a little black pig mean to you?"

I considered this. When I'd woken up, I had of course immediately tried to work out what it could have meant, and the first thing to spring to mind was something I remembered about German folklore. Many years ago I remember mum telling me that in Germany, pigs are considered a symbol of luck, kind of like horse shoes.

But then, in many other cultures, the colour black is considered to be *un*-lucky.

I didn't really know what to make of it. Daniel suggested that perhaps something will happen that might seem terrible at first, like the huge cattle rearing up to crush me, but it will turn out to be nowhere near as bad as it first seems, or possibly even a blessing in disguise. A little black pig.

I guess we'll see.

I always thought that by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I would have figured myself out. I'm on my way, but somebody must have snuck in at night and eaten some of the pieces because my jigsaw is still not complete.

I am trying to take lessons from life and from those around me, and now and then I have these "moments" of complete clarity, like "whoa... this is what life is all about... why couldn't I see that before?"

But then those moments fade away and the lesson just stops sticking, slides off me and *plop* it's on the floor and I've left it behind. Of course I come back to the same old lessons and those moments of clarity, but I just wish that my whole life could be made up of those moments... not of the moments in between, when I sometimes feel lost, or alone, or small.

This is another puzzle piece. I can't work out why I get those feelings. Especially those feelings of being so alone even though I know I'm not. I suspect that this is the depression that runs on both sides of my family. I guess I never escaped it after all. Mostly I'm a pretty happy person but when I'm by myself, or when I'm with Daniel and he's not giving me as much attention as I want, I sometimes get these little feelings of self-doubt. Of being alone.

Figuratively speaking, I have tried swatters, I have tried baits, I have tried citronella candles, I have tried so many different ways of keeping this little bug out of my head. I've tried everything except chemicals. I'd like to believe that one day I will be rid of this little bug, never having had to resort to the chemicals.

I realise that I am sounding a lot like someone who wears excessive amounts of eyeliner and black makeup, so I will stop.

My natural state of being involves taking a lot for granted. I wonder if there's a cure for this, because I really think it's half my problem.

Today I woke up and decided to check the bills on the fridge, just to make sure that nothing was due too soon.

We have a couple of enormous hand-made fridge magnets thanks to Daniel's job - one of them is almost as big as an A4 page. We stick all our bills and various other bits and pieces under these magnets, so there's virtually a filing system on the fridge. The little magnets hold pizza vouchers and the bigger ones hold all our hefty bills in place for us.

It was lucky that I did check, because my car registration expires tomorrow. I'd thought I was safe for another couple of weeks, so this came as something of a surprise. It meant that today was spent driving all over the place, getting car inspections done, paying insurance, going to the motor registry... about $800 later my car was registered and safe for another year. I was so glad that everything went smoothly and that my car didn't need any repairs. It was also lucky that I happen to have time off at the moment.

I also got my licence renewed, as that was due in a couple of days anyway. I told the lady at the registry that I wanted a decent photo as it had to last me for five years, and she smiled and told me that she'd let me see the picture before she put it on my licence. It actually isn't too bad - it looks like me smiling, not like some stranger with one eye bulging out more than the other. I don't really notice it when I look in the mirror, but in photos, a lot of the time it seems that my eyes are two different sizes, like odd socks on my face.

I know that some people talk about bags under their eyes when they're tired. Well, I swear my whole head changes shape. It morphs into some sort of rounded-edged cube. My hair does this weird thing where it wants to stand up and then flop over, making my head look an even weirder shape. I have had ID photos in the past that have preserved this morphed-head-shape of mine for posterity, and I didn't want this to be another one of them - especially not on my driver's licence for the next five years.

But it's all sorted now.

I guess I want to officially say goodbye to clarity's diary as well. I would link to it but she'll be locking it up very soon so there's no point.

I am really going to miss clarity's writing. I've been reading her journal for a couple of years now. She has always lived the way I have wanted to learn how to. All the ideas and lessons that never seem to stick to me, that's the way she lives. She apreciates everything around her and especially appreciates the moment she's in. This was emphasised in every entry she wrote. Every time I read her writing, I took something away with me to remember for the future. She has so much to share and it really will be such a shame to see her go.

If you do read this, clarity, please know that you will be missed - even by those of us who didn't often get a chance to leave a note telling you so.

Keep safe.