I�m exhausted though, so no doubt it will be long-winded.

I suppose I should probably start by explaining why my promises of new entries from the 15th of November onwards turned out to be filthy rotten lies. Then perhaps I can tell you why you�ve never seen the tooth fairy but for some reason your dad was leaning over your pillow when you woke up in the middle of the night and you didn�t know exactly how far up the Creepy Scale that moment belonged.

A colleague in a role that reports to me left the company a week after I made that (broken, abandoned, discarded) promise.* While we recruited to replace her, I got rather cavalier about the whole thing and decided that my manager�s idea of why-not-let-Marzipan-do-it was a jolly fine one and that I could surely take on two full-time workloads simultaneously, just for a little while. Whilst of course also reading through r�sum�s, conducting interviews, answering candidates� questions and spending 3.5 hours a day commuting to and from the office.

As it turns out, I am an idiot and should not be listened to.

My record so far is a 14.5 hour work day with no lunch break. These are the kinds of hours I�ve been doing, and this whilst also trying to fit in Christmas shopping, Rotary meetings and the usual fluffing about that invariably happens in celebration of that Jesus guy�s birthday. If it were up to me we�d all just offer up a cupcake with a birthday candle in it and leave it at that.

* It�s OK though. We took her out and got her unbelievably drunk the night before she was due to start her new job. It�s fair payment, and we had a brilliant time extracting it. Though I did fall asleep on the last train home and missed my stop.

So that explains why I haven�t been here Diarylanding of late. You�d think that with so much work and so little time to spend with my own husband, I must be having a miserable time, and occasionally that would be a pretty accurate description of how I�ve felt. But overall, I can honestly say I can�t think of a recent time when I�ve been happier. It�s weird but being so stupidly busy forced me to connect with my work, my company and my colleagues and I really started to love it. When I left to go home each evening, I really felt that I�d earnt my leave pass for the day, and that is a perversely satisfying feeling.

This is starting to sound like the end of 1984, isn�t it? I now also realise that I love Big Brother.

Part of what made it bearable was that I got to see how many of my colleagues had been working incredibly hard to get various things done before the year ended � proposals, research, manuscript, reviews, whatever it may be, it all needed to be done and these people were dedicated enough to give their own time (it�s publishing � there�s no such thing as paid overtime) to ensure that their work got done and their projects rolled forward smoothly. That on its own was inspiring.

And because I was resigned to working back every night to try to get my work done, it freed me up to give more of my time to others during the daytime, which allowed me to actually enjoy being around my colleagues. For a couple of minutes here and there throughout the day, one of my colleagues and I would use sock puppets � yes, actual socks with faces on them (oh shut up, they were given to me as a gift a few months back) � to relieve our tension and make each other laugh. Look, it�s not a sock, it�s a horse! Look, it�s going down a flight of stairs! You�d be surprised what a difference stupid moments like that can make to your day. Especially when the Executive General Manager of your company walks down the corridor only to discover your colleague with a fluorescent pink sock on each hand, looking incredibly sheepish.

Since everyone had been so busy and pressured for the preceding month, people were very willing to unwind (insert air quotes at your own discretion) at the work Christmas party. Dance floor for the win! I love watching my colleagues dance. Everyone has their own style and I find that so fascinating. Despite some overwhelming evidence from one of the publishing directors, I honestly don�t believe that there is such a thing as bad dancing. It�s so expressive and joyous that the simple fact that someone is up there doing their thing according to how the music moves them has a beauty of its own. I was up dancing for most of the night, which is something I don�t normally do, but I�m so glad I did. I�m going to try to make a point of being more willing to get up and dance in the future.

New Year�s Resolution #1: Be more disco.

Feeling buoyed by that evening and wanting to have another chance to unwind (beware: you are now re-entering the air quote zone) with colleagues like we did at my co-worker�s send-off a couple of weeks before, I decided to organise after-work drinks for anyone at Books O�Reilly who wanted to come. This is another thing I would normally not have done. I don�t generally have the confidence to assume that when people see my name at the bottom of an invitation they will actually want to come. This has been a real weakness of mine for years: a fear of rejection. It�s why I have lots of acquaintances but very few close friends. I keep people at a safe distance without even realising I�m doing it. I need to change that.

New Year�s Resolution #2: Assume people might actually enjoy your company.

So after confirming with a few colleagues sitting nearby at the time that there was indeed a dire need for after-work drinks, I plucked up the courage and sent a mass email inviting people to come and join us. I even followed up with another email the day before said event as a reminder. I was determined to make it work.

And it did.

We had a decent turnout and, better yet, a group of five of us ended up staying out quite late. As in, �the trains are no longer running� late. As a result of some of the conversations I had that evening, these are all people I�d now like to get to know better. We touched briefly on a couple of reasonably personal revelations, and at least once I wanted throw a couple of massive hugs into the ring (when someone says that they�ve just come out of a 10-year relationship and you�re slightly drunk, what other reaction is there?), but as I am reserved and socially retarded, I refrained.

That�s something else I want to change about myself. I�ve always been, shall we say, �funny� about touch. My schoolfriends and I were not huggers, and whilst I am better about that sort of thing now, the etiquette of the social cheek-peck still eludes me. I�m uncomfortable with the whole thing. Sometimes I will practically run away from a situation to avoid having to do the cheek-peck-and-little-hug (including at aforementioned after-work drinks evening). How do you know which cheek to go for? Will they want to do the little hug afterwards? Or are they bypassing the kiss altogether and going straight in for the hug? What if you both lean in the same way? I just can�t take all the fiddly mechanics of it all. And yet for some reason, it�s a socially expected ritual. So over Christmas I finally decided to stop such foolness and give EVERYONE in Pigeon�s extended family the social peck whether they bloody well wanted it or not. And you know what? It really wasn�t that bad. In fact, I think I can learn to enjoy it.

New Year�s Resolution #3: Get touchy. Within boundaries, obviously.

Then there are my three choices for the next step in my career path.

1. The government editing job (resulting from the bizarre Canberra interview).

2. A position within Books O�Reilly in which my job would be to work with academics throughout Asia to help make our books more suitable for regional markets, which would involve a small amount of international travel, starting with a conference in Thailand in February.

3. A temporary position, also within Books O�Reilly, working as an Acquisitions Editor. My job would be to propose books for publication, to sign authors, to jump in with the sales and marketing teams and try to get my books out there.

Opportunities have actually started falling in my lap unexpectedly, and now I don�t know what to do. I don�t even really understand why I�m the one they�re turning to with these offers. Anyway, I think 2 is my best option. While I�m enormously flattered that they think I�m ready for 3, I�m really not up to that yet and I don�t want to let people down as I know there are some great people on the acquisitions team. Plus, I love the idea of international travel and also the idea of being the only person in a particular role. Not for any egotistical reason, but because my fabulously large self-esteem likes the idea of being in a role where I can�t be compared against my colleagues who are, of course, all much better than me at what they do. And as for 1 � it�s an amazing opportunity and I am in awe that I�ve got as far as I have with it. I thought it was well above my station when I applied for it so I�m still surprised that they seem to want me, some ditzy schmuck with all of 3.5 years of experience in anything remotely related to the field. But I think that despite the money, I would miss Sydney, my family and friends, and the adventure that is educational publishing. And I am willing to forgo a $40k pay rise for that.

Oh God that�s a lot of money.

But life isn�t just about money; it�s about finding adventure in the everyday, and I need to remember that. I won�t miss the money I never had but I will value the experiences I create for myself.

Right. I�m going to break this entry here. I haven�t yet touched on Christmas and in fact I haven�t even managed to fit in an amusing anecdote, but it�s good to have unloaded some of the big stuff. Hopefully I can get a decent rest tonight and plan out a more controlled entry for next time.

To whomever still reads this, I hope your Christmas was wonderful and filled with love; have a happy New Year. May it be the start of an awesome 2011. xx

---

PS I�d like to share something I posted on Twitter a few days ago. If you�d like to know what I meant by any of these, send me a note and I�ll explain.

OddSock
I really feel I learnt a lot this year. I don't know if I'll be able to keep these things in mind in 2011, but here are some of them anyway:
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that a lot of my colleagues feel just as insecure about how well they are doing their jobs as I do.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that just because something is organised by a dork like me, does not mean that nobody will be interested in coming.
24 Dec

OddSock
I realised that I'd forgotten how important it is to be yourself - as sickening as that sounds. Don't hide who you are.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that money is important, but it isn't everything.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that there are lots of people in my life, and when I make time for them, I am happy. I need to reconsider my commitments.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that people are often surprising. I'm not great at small talk with strangers, but the effort is hugely rewarding.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that I am impatient and easily bored, and continually need to be doing new things in my job and in my personal life.
24 Dec

OddSock
I learnt that giving something your full attention - actually committing time and energy to doing it well - can be exciting.
24 Dec

OddSock
I just learnt that my husband has discovered the strategy of hitting me with a cardboard tube until I get off Twitter and watch TV with him.
24 Dec