I purchased the other day, from one of your many franchised purveyors of evil (at a reduced price), a facial moisturiser that you insisted on calling a 'Mattifying Lotion'. I feel I must point out here that matt is not a verb - in fact, it is decidedly adjective-like in its habits - and cannot be made into one by ramming an '-ify' up its tailpipe. Much like sticking a tail on me does not turn me into a squirrel. Do you see that, Cosmo? How I am not a squirrel?

Similarly, on at least one previous occasion I emphatically rejected the opportunity to exchange money for a particular brand of mascara, even though it was apparently endowed with the amazing ability to 'lengthify' my eyelashes.

I find this increasing trend of lexical atrocities quite alarming, and therefore have taken it upon myself to emailify you to alert you to the situation.

Given my background in book editing, it has been tempting to pull out a red marker and correctify your horrible deformations of our language on the packaging, but I fear I would only be forcefully ejectified from the store.

Alternatively I would contemplate protestifying in front of your head offices, but at best I might be ignorified and at worst I could get arrestified. This would no doubt completely bummify my mood for the week.

If you have taken the time to readify this letter, I sincerely thankerate you for your time - I know that inventerising words for cosmetic products can be a wholly time-consumening process. I just hope that my message has sunkerated in.

With love (of a particularly lengthified nature),

Marzipan.