Answer: Why, you lodge a rational protest by lopping off your own dong, of course!

Yes, that's right: this man would rather wander the Earth with the tattered remains of his flayed member flapping about in his pants like streamers than marry a woman he didn�t love ... because flappity penis-rags are the romantic offering for the ladies this season.

Since doctors weren't able to reattach his penis, I wonder if they managed to at least mummify it, and if so, whether its spirit will be awoken in 3000 years by some nonce in a pith helmet. "Good heavens, dear Whiffington, this mummified idol looks exactly like me, right down to the headwear! Though I sense it's somehow ... sad. Place it on my shelf next to that odd hairy pouch we found yesterday, would you? There's a lad."

Also, I think the dance moves to "Walk like an Egyptian" are going to need some serious revision.

Elsewhere in the news is this looney, who - having been apprehended by the Russian police for murdering up to six people in a macabre home-designed electric chair - claims to have also invented a lethal electrified carpet, a device that would disable the motors of passing cars and then kill the driver, and a camera that blasts victims with an electromagnetic ray, erasing their memories. Aw. It's a heartwarming tale that really makes you believe in mad scientists and Russian supervillains just like when you were a kid. Fond memories.

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Things that made me happy today:

- Meeting with my favourite freelance editor for lunch at a local coffee-house. I've had many dealings with her but we'd never met in person.

- The glimmer of hope that I can get out of this job. Pardon the drama; it's just been one of those weeks.