My brain could have taken this opportunity to turn this into a fun pornographic dream, but it did not. The first person to walk into the bathroom was a middle-aged woman and I yelled at her, nakedly, to please go and use the ladies� room. Apparently I am OK with performing little dances in the buff for strange men in bathrooms, but I DRAW THE LINE AT KINDLY MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN FOR I HAVE MY DIGNITY AND NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME and excuse me, I�m going to lock myself into one of the stalls and drink vodka straight from the bottle and honk into a block of cheese the size of my head.

Anyway, I�m a bit disappointed in Dream Me�s reaction to this whole idea in the first place, because there was a half-second of �oh dear� at the payment terms before I shrugged my shoulders and agreed that it was a fair exchange. Somewhere deep within my subconscious, I must really just want to fling my kit off and jiggle my tittaes for cash.

In less naked events, there was a veritable parade of cats in our yard yesterday. They would all come in from the same direction, look confused, take a moment to regain their bearings and then amble off towards a hole in the fence. Given that their chosen paths were exactly the same, I feel that the most logical conclusion to be reached here is that there was some sort of cat orienteering event going on. Surely the cats of our neighbourhood value the complementary virtues of physical fitness and map-reading just as much as we do.

Digression: I wonder if there are any cat porn stars called Cat Flaps.

Lengthier digression: There is an ad on TV with a little girl rapping to the tune of MC Hammer�s �U Can�t Touch This�. She gets about in a bitchin� red pedal car and tells it like it is for a while before turning to the screen and telling us:

STOP. POTTY TIME!

No, I am not making this up. MC Hammer�s signature piece really is being used by Huggies to advertise fitted plastic poo-catchers. They refer to this whimsical annihilation of the remaining shred of MC Hammer�s dignity as the �new Pull-Ups� Toilet Training Pants song�.

Oh my God there is a Toilet Training Pants song! That such a thing exists makes the world a better, happier place! There should be songs for everything! Why do kids get all the cool songs about how to do stuff? Where are the songs for how to do grown-up stuff? Where�s the How to Put On a Condom song (everybody clap along! � or at least try to look sexy while dude�s busy)? Or the Going To The Movies Doesn�t Count As Supporting The Australian Film Industry On Your Tax Return song? My life needs more advice in the form of instructional songs.

---

Things that made me happy this weekend:

Essay research, which involved perusing respectable linguistic and sociological journal articles with titles like �Rear gunners and troubled privates: Wordplay in a dick joke competition�. That kind of thing can really brighten a girl�s day.